The reader writes:
I work part-time at a small company owned by my housemate, Sam. We were together before he started the company about 10 years ago and we basically have our own line of work so it suits everyone. Everyone who works there, myself included, is a 1099 contractor due to the nature of their profession (actor/musician).
Yesterday I asked the artist (Doug) if he would be willing to help us out by exchanging a gig he booked for another company. We tried to express it in a way that we knew that we would never ask our artists unless it was an emergency, and it would be okay even if it was impossible. I`ve known him for years, and since I am always quick to say yes when he needs to skip rehearsals to work for higher paying jobs, it seemed like it wouldn`t hurt to ask.
He responded by sending me a long email explaining how offensive my request was since Sam hasn`t paid him for his last month`s jobs. I was caught off guard because I had no idea. In fact, I remember Sam telling me the check had bounced and asking me to bring it in-person to give Doug at a rehearsal … but Doug called out sick that night so I couldn`t. I didn`t hear any more about the check from either of them and figured they had sorted it out since they talk almost weekly about an arrangement where Doug uses our rehearsal hall for free. Doug emailed me a copy of Sam's and I didn't reply right away because I was at another job.
Unfortunately, Sam saw this and reacted quickly with some protection. He told Doug that Doug had to remind him of the check because they talked so often. This made things worse, and the two sent emails cheering each other until Doug announced he would no longer be working with us. It's devastating because he's my friend and also important to several upcoming events. Sam's hot temper oscillates between great regret and anger. He decided that the regret he felt was just *my* reaction to the whole thing (I told him he didn't handle it well) and it wasn't real regret because he still believes he did the right thing. Doug is gone. contour. He is unlikely to be able to reach out and talk to Doug because he still thinks Doug is wrong. Both sides are a bit shocked, as Doug accuses Sam of "manipulation" by asking why he didn't remind Sam of the money. Meanwhile, Sam keeps asking me, "When can I have my feelings and not be ripped off?"
I was directly impacted by Doug's absence and how our reputation could be affected if he spoke his side only to our city's small community of artists. What can be done to rectify the situation? Can I reach you even if he has already talked? What can I say without throwing Sam under the bus (although I believe both Sam and Doug are equally responsible for any escalation in the email thread)? I feel bad because if I had just replied to the first email and eased the escalation, I wouldn't have been in this situation. You blame yourself for things you didn't do and try to take responsibility for things you can't fix. “I feel bad because if I had just replied to the first email and declined the escalation, I wouldn’t have been in this situation,” he says, disappointingly. Of course, if you had read the letter earlier than others and replied earlier, you would have deflected the situation. However, I am not responsible for Doug and Sam getting into fights with each other, and I don't need to obsess over email to prevent fights like these. This is none of your business, and it's unreasonable to expect anything from yourself. I'm sure you wouldn't expect this from someone else if he were you.
To be honest, I feel most at fault here because Sam is the one responsible for starting it all. You didn't pay someone for the work (the bad checks went unpaid) and you stooped back and paid them ASAP as soon as you realized they had a problem. I understand that he and Doug talk often enough that it doesn't seem urgent to him, but as a manager, Sam needs to take other people's money seriously. Should Doug contact him about this? Of course it will help. But this was Sam`s responsibility and Sam is the one to blame for not ensuring it was fixed.
Moreover, once he realized Doug hadn`t been paid yet and was upset about it, Sam should have apologized profusely and assured Doug he was taking care of it immediately. It`s worrisome that his instinct wasn`t to do that and instead was to argue with Doug — Doug, the person he still hadn`t paid! Doug, the person who was rightfully upset about still not having his money and who was drawing reasonable boundaries around his labor!
Someone Reply
Ideally you wouldn`t play any role here. It`s not your mess, and it shouldn`t be on you to smooth it over. But if you feel you need to do something, you can try telling Sam he`s wrong. And you can call him out on asking, “When am I allowed to have feelings of my own and not get walked all over?” … and point out that someone insisting on getting paid is not “walking all over him” and no, he shouldn`t be having hurt/defensive/angry feelings about someone setting reasonable boundaries around their labor when they still haven`t been paid. You can also encourage Sam to work on removing his ego from situations like this, because it`s (a) preventing him from seeing things clearly and (b) harming his business by causing drama and disruption. (Also, has Doug been paid yet? If not, another thing you can do is tell Sam that needs to happen ASAP.)
Please do not contact Doug to apologize on behalf of Sam or to try to convince him to change his mind. Doug drew reasonable boundaries and they should be respected. You should also take care that your personal life is not too intertwined with work! I know this is very, very common in the arts... but wouldn't the quality of your life (both at work and at home) benefit from a professional separation so that you don't feel responsible for Sam's work? A decision or worry that how you are perceived has to do with how you are perceived? This is true whenever you are involved with your boss, but especially if your partner is hot-tempered. The more you share your professional life, the happier you will be.