Dear STUF,
For a year many people told me that he (the boy) likes me but I had no feelings for him at that time. His continuous staring and blushing made me fall for him but today when I asked him on text whether he likes me or not, he refused and said I made the chat awkward! Now I think that I lost respect in his eyes and he might have started thinking that I am cheap and a spoiled girl but in reality I am really sweet and innocent. What do you think he is thinking and why did he reject me?
Purple-Finch replies
Let`s look at the title of your letter, okay? You say a boy really likes you, but if you think that through carefully, I think you have to agree that you don`t know that. You just know people told you he likes you. Okay, it seems plausible that he likes you, but still people can say whatever they want. You really don't know what he thinks.
Second, I think you put him in a really awkward position. He may like you. he can't But no matter what, I think you can determine that he's not ready to confess his feelings to you. And you asked him. Yeah, he was probably embarrassed.
But thirdly, before I come to the conclusion that you are a terrible person; I'll shrug my shoulders and move on. It is true that right now I feel ashamed for making a mistake. But that doesn't make you "cheap" or "corrupt" or any other bad word you can think of. Right now, you may feel like everyone is laughing at you (because embarrassing always feels that way). But that doesn't mean everyone is laughing. To be honest, we all make mistakes from time to time. It seems like the end of the world, but it isn't. People say you “Wow! I'm glad it's not me!! But the reason they think so is because we all know we can make mistakes. Especially when you're a teenager.
So, let's skip this incident, but let's think about how to avoid similar incidents in the future. Well, here's a little tempting lesson. A fancy word for this is "plausible deniability." When you think about how people send signals that they like each other and want to get to know each other better, most people give hints, not statements. The point is, we know we like someone, but we also know that we risk embarrassing ourselves if we shout it out to the world. What if the other person doesn't think the same? Your young man got to the point when he chose the word awkward.
So instead of making a statement, we make a hint that can be denied if necessary (hence the name plausible deniability). How can these signals be passed on in a negative way? Often we avoid talking. You can flirt very effectively just by using your eyes, and your eyes don't write sentences. It helps us deny the fact that we expressed positive emotions when we thought we needed them.
However, even though we use the word, the following sentence should sound familiar as it is a common way we deny that we are flirting.
- Oh, I just felt a sense of familiarity.
- I drank too much I'm sure you misunderstood me.
- I was looking at someone else. Something caught my eye.
- See how it works? Temptation is dangerous.
We don't want to embarrass ourselves. So we do things that look like they're saying "I like you." But we never declare ourselves, nor do we ask others to declare ourselves. We want to avoid embarrassing situations for both parties. We use methods that allow us to deny that we have ever signaled. If this explanation makes sense, you will be better prepared the next time a similar situation arises. And so it will be. And won't it seem like the people around you are laughing at you? Yes. The next person can make a mistake. All their attention will turn away from you and focus on the next poor person who recently humiliated themselves. In some ways, we humans are lucky because:
Most of us have very short memories. We all make many mistakes!
This makes no one laugh for long.
I know it doesn't look funny now. But after 25 years or so, you'll start to understand how much fun these stories can be. You will share it with your friends. You'll be glad you're older (and a little wiser) than you were when you were younger. And if you are lucky enough to have children, you can share these stories with them to help them get through this difficult stage. Being young is not easy! It's good to know how to laugh, even if it takes a little time to learn to laugh at our own mistakes.
I hope these words help. you care.