Dear ,
I had a friendship with a girl I would call "Carol" for eight years. Carol has a polarizing personality - people either love her or hate her, but we usually get along pretty well. She met my mother a few years ago, and although she sometimes finds her loud and rude, overall she thinks she's a nice person and they follow each other on Facebook. At a recent meeting with about 15 people, most of whom I didn't know, Carol told my mother for all to hear: “I'd love to invite you on a trip that I'm planning with some friends in town. Cabo this summer. - you're so happy and we're going to have a great time! With that, she turned to me and told everyone, "But not you - you weren't invited."
I was surprised and very embarrassed and said, "I'm not going anyway!" Privately, my mother said she would never travel with her and thought Carol was being rude. The more I think about the incident, the angrier I get. I decided to cut contact with her and not text or interact with her. She's been texting me ever since, and I waited long enough for a reply, and when I did, it was just a few words. I think she understands that I don't want to talk to her. I feel like I don't owe her a polite explanation after the way she treated me. And am I wrong to handle the situation this way?
Mr. Bill replied
Thank you for writing to us. I'm Mr. Bill and would like to share some thoughts with you about this situation and this friend. First, let me answer your question right away. At least in my opinion, no, you are not wrong to handle the situation this way. That she invited your mother, then told you straight out that you weren't invited? Before a gathering of about fifteen other people? Cannot be excused.
I note that you realize that Carol has a polarizing personality. However, you remained friends with her for eight years. There has to be something in there and in the relationship that you find useful and satisfying. Or at least acceptable.
I know that all relationships exist on a continuum scale. Best friends at one end, people you know but don't see often and don't have much affection for. And every relationship diminishes on that scale, sometimes becoming closer friends, sometimes less. That seems to be the case with you and Carol. You get along well sometimes, but not too far on the side of best friends; sometimes you don't. Love or hate. With the situation you describe, I can see it.
I don't blame you for getting angry with the way this person talks to you. After inviting everyone to join her on a journey, she turns to you and speaks to you this way? Of course, you were surprised and angry. I will be the same. Don't fret and guess if you're wondering whether to cut or not. His comments and behavior are unacceptable, unless…
Given the nature of the situation during Jekyll and Hyde's trip, and you write that she's polarizing, I wondered if you could help her see what she's up to. Does she know how she presents herself? Does she care? Does she want to change? She can? These are the questions that come to my mind when I read this very obvious insult in the middle of a fun gathering of friends, even if you don't know them well.
No, I don't think you've overreacted or mismanaged your response by reducing and/or eliminating contact with Carol. Depending on how you view the relationship or whether you want to move on or worry about it, there is one thing you can consider.
You can talk to her and explain how you felt when she said you weren't invited. Tell her you don't care if you go or not, but the way she informs you in front of everyone is very annoying. You can also reflect on her some of her other behaviors that polarize people.
Either she'll accept what you have to say, maybe even be concerned about how she's interacting and you can have a frank, honest, and engaging conversation; or she will become defensive and/or dismissive. If she agrees, if you feel comfortable, you can suggest that she talk to someone about these behaviors or find a counselor who can give her feedback. And maybe help him develop other more friendly ways of interacting.
If she rejects or becomes dismissive, you can take comfort in knowing that you've been trying to save and build the relationship without success. And continue to gradually withdraw from the relationship. Without any feelings of regret or guilt. These are my thoughts. If it were me, I would react like you. And even if I included another way to answer, I doubt I would. I will continue to withdraw.
Does this help? If you have any questions or feedback, please let us know. We could share a few more interactions on this or any other topic. Good luck and don't feel bad or wonder if you did the right thing. Take care you. I will think about you.